My one contribution to the comic relief on New Year’s Eve was to declare that my only New Year’s Resolution is to make it through 2008 without attending a single wedding. If you know anything about the past two years of my life, you’ll find this at least somewhat amusing since you also know that I have attended more than my fair share of holy-matrimonies. What’s even more (sad) funny, though, is that there’s probably no chance whatsoever that I’ll actually have the opportunity to keep that resolution.
(Update as of 12/30/08: 2008 found me attending not one, not two, but three weddings.)
And so, instead, I consider the great paradox that is the New Year’s Resolution, no doubt on the brain every January 1 or thereabouts. The thing is that New Year’s Resolutions typically are a list of unrealistic tasks and unattainable goals set forth by millions of unhappy people in a last-ditch effort to fix their lives – again. Cynical? Maybe. Wrong? I’m not convinced.
Regardless, a few years ago, I resolved (on January 1, of course) to (try to) take a more realistic approach to life and to (try to) claim a realistic perspective of myself – not an easy feat, mind you. It’s something that must be reclaimed multiple times a day. Which is why I refuse to create a list of superficial platitudes that I hope will somehow magically change the state of my existence, and for the better.
The reality is that life is messy and complicated, full of conflict and contradiction – but that is the beauty of being created as complex as we are. There are aspects of life – at least of my life – that are in a state of perpetual flux, that cause me to question my own preconceptions, that are officially, and may very well be indefinitely, unresolved.
Unresolved: My jogging schedule. A few years back, somehow I got it in my head that starting to jog for exercise would be a good idea. Ha. For a while there, I did pretty well; kept a consistent schedule and even ran a 5K or two. Lately, though, it’s been hit-or-miss. Some days I’m on, other days I’m off. Some weeks I’m on; other weeks I’m off. Some months I have a jogging partner; other months I don’t have a jogging partner. There is no predictable pattern to my motivational whims.
Unresolved: My career. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Well, not entirely. I know bits and pieces (I want to write, I want to publish, I want to facilitate creativity), but I don’t know what all of that looks like. And sometimes I don’t know things like what to write, or what to publish. And other times I don’t know what “facilitating creativity” even means (like right now). But I do know that as I journey through life, this thing called my career – that is what I do – will likely change and grow as I continue to do so.
Unresolved: My finances. Talk about complicated – this topic is one hairy beast. Career, shmareer. How about, can I just pay the bills, please? Ironically, I was more worried about money when I actually had it, when there was plenty but it was never enough. Now that there really isn’t enough, it is surprisingly freeing to simply not spend money because, well, there isn’t any.
Unresolved: My intimidation. There’s no way around it, some people are intimidating and some situations are intimidating. In fact, in my adult life I have been told on multiple occasions that I, myself, am intimidating. Will I ever stop being intimidated or intimidating? Probably not. But by acknowledging this, I’m strangely more equipped to deal with it.
Unresolved: My self-doubt. Intimidation breeds self-doubt. And for some reason, regardless of my accomplishments and the confidence that others tell me I exude, there are still seeds of self-doubt deep down at the bottom of my soul that take root and sprout up every once in a while. Thankfully, it’s not often, but they definitely exist – the voices that say I’m not good enough, or not fill-in-the-blank enough, or too much fill-in-the-blank. I’ve been told that they’re the voices of the Devil, and while I believe that to be true, squelching those evil whispers doesn’t exactly come naturally.
Unresolved: My love life, or lack thereof. Ah, yes. My love life. Sigh. Enough said.