Today is the first day in a long time that I’ve been depressed. I mean really really depressed. Like didn’t-want-to-get-out-of-bed depressed. And then when I did get out of bed, not-wanting-to-do-anything depressed.
So I stayed home. I stayed home and drank a cup of coffee while reading email. Then I took a long walk. Something I haven’t done for a while: take a long walk by myself. I put on the happy song play list so that it might help lift my mood. The moving and the sun helped, but I don’t think the music did.
But when I got home after the walk I was depressed again. I don’t really know why. Something takes over my mind and I wonder what is the point? What is the point of trying to make ThinkHouse successful? What is the point of publishing Under the Gum Tree? What is the point of trying to start a nonfiction storytelling series? What is the point of writing on my blog and trying to build an audience for my work?
Thankfully that train of thought never progresses to: what is the point of being alive?
The eyes feel groggy. Like they don’t want to be open, let alone stay open. Why do they feel groggy all the time? Even when I get enough sleep? It is a weight on the eyelids that I can’t seem to get rid of. Splash cold water. Still there. Drink coffee. Still there. Rest them for a few minuetes. Still there.
How do I make them feel awake when I need them to be awake and alert?
Sometimes I know I feel down because the house is a mess. It’s not quite depression, but a lack of calm. I know that when the house is clean and in order I feel more calm. So when I got home from the walk today, I went down the street to Ace Hardware to get some dish soap because we were out and I hadn’t done dishes for three days.
I did the dishes, but that didn’t help me feel better. I felt worse because I broke a wine glass. And when I’m depressed, I accidentally break things.
I started wondering if maybe I am depressed in the mornings and have a hard time getting out of bed because our bedroom is so dark. If maybe I need the sunlight coming in to help me wake up and feel cheery about the day. How do I know if that will make a difference or not? Maybe I should ask Jeremy to open the blinds when he gets up?
Maybe we should just sleep with the blinds open? But sometimes the moon is too bright at night or there is a street light that shines in and makes it hard for us to go to sleep. Oh well, maybe we should just try it. Even when the eyes are still groggy, being in the sun does help me feel more awake. So maybe the sunlight thing would do the trick. Our friends James and Monica live in New York, where they have an apartment between tall buildings that doesn’t get any natural light. So they use an alarm clock that is a light that imitates the sun rising when it goes off. Maybe something like that would help me?
I called the therapist today. I had been seeing a therapist last year, but she left her practice in December. She referred me to a new therapist, but I haven’t been going since December because I wanted to take a break. I wasn’t sure the therapy was helping. I didn’t like poking at the emotions twice a month and having two really shitty emotional days every month. So I was thinking about taking a break anyway. Plus I wasn’t sure that my therapist was the right match for me. I started feeling like a lot of her advice was repetitive and I wasn’t sure how much I was getting out of hearing the same thing over and over. So when she left her practice, I took the opportunity to break from therapy for a few months.
But now that I have been feeling so groggy and tired all the time, I started thinking that maybe I should go back to therapy. And today was kind of the cincher. I didn’t let me self cry yet, but I feel like I want to. Why? I don’t even know why? Maybe after I finish writing this I will go lay down in bed and cry for a little while. I haven’t had one of these kind of days for months. There was a time, about a year and a half ago, where I would spend most of my day in bed or crying, or both.
But, like I said, I haven’t had a day like that for months. What triggers it? Boredom? Dissatisfaction? Anxiety? Loneliness? How can I know? It just comes on all of a sudden?